The Meaning of Life
Most people, if they haven't had it already, are looking for that one moment that defines their life. They've finally come to the culmination of all of their interests and experiences and know with absolute certainty that "this is what I want to do with the rest of my life." Some cynical people think that that moment won't ever come. I know that it comes though. For me, it's come about 12 times now. I've talked about my Asperger's Syndrome before (now known as a part of Autism Spectrum Disorder), and mostly I'm fine with it. There are symptoms I've overcome, like my social anxiety. There are symptoms that I manage to deal with, like increased sensitivity to touch and taste. And then there's this one: the intense interest. This symptom has been the hardest to describe to people, for some reason or another. So... I'll try my best. In laymen's terms, it's an intense interest in a very narrow subject. Like, upon discovering you like to do this, you feel like you could do this and this alone for the rest of your entire life. It's like obsession, but not technically. Technically obsession is an intense interest that brings the owner of the interest discomfort. The obsessed do it because they feel compelled to. With my "special interests" as it's usually called, it's passion. Focusing on this one thing brings me great joy. I can and do work on it sometimes from when I wake up until I go to bed. So... what's the problem? Well, there are two things that turn this into a problem. Problem number one: I have less interest in other things. It's not "I need to have a more varied life." It's: I'm in the middle of this project, I can eat later. It's: Even though it's 5 AM, I'm making great progress on this project and can go to bed later. I have the discipline to eat and go to bed most of the time, but the interest is always... more interesting... than attending my physical needs. Now, with discipline I've been able to mitigate this quite a bit. But the problem isn't willpower. It's interest. I'm never "interested" in going to sleep, because that's 8-10 hours wasted that I could be doing on something else. And sometimes, when I'm in the heat of a project, I'm too invested in said project to actually fall asleep, leading to insomnia. Not to mention with the increased sensitivity to touch, going to sleep is hard enough as it is. The bigger problem though: these interests change. Some people on the autistic spectrum have the same special interest their entire life. On the other hand, mine can change from month to month. And no, before you say anything, let me stop you. This has absolutely nothing to do with burnout. The level of interest and intensity does not change, just the object it's rolling towards. Now, when you've got a new life long passion every couple of months, what happens to you? Well, most obviously: you become a jack-of-all trades, master of none. For me personally, it was probably the most major factor in my decision not to go to college. Yes, you can change your major. You can't change your major 20 fucking times though, and you can't do it when you're done either. Could I choose a job, major, or whatever that doesn't relate to my current special interest? Obviously, but that's not really the point here. I don't want to pigeonhole myself into a life that I'm not happy living. I don't think anyone wants to do that. I tend to be gung-ho on projects, and start them almost impulsively. I don't have the time to wonder if this is a good idea. I've just got to start it and hope my passion lasts long enough until I get to the end. Has it? Let's see... novel's not done. Parody screenplay's not done. Video game's not done. Let's play never really took off. We're still working on Growing Around (my current interest yes, I can return to old interests). Started making a table top RPG that never really went anywhere. And then there's all of the less productive stuff like television shows and video games. As a child, I could play through one game practically on repeat. This has defined... so much of who I am, and it's been a major hindrance in my early adult life. '-I define myself by what I want to do, not by who I want to be:' I don't want to be a game designer, I want to design a game. I don't want to be a cartoonist. I want to bring a cartoon to life. I don't want to be a photographer. I want to take photographs. Why? Because, it's 95% likely that I don't want to dedicate my life to this thing I want to dedicate my life to. It may seem small, but it does change a lot. Go to college and learn how to do this thing, like paint or photograph... or... do this thing, like paint and photograph. -'There is no practice:' Every single creation from me must have a purpose. I can't draw a character just to draw a character. It's to get a better visual idea, or to better represent a scene. Practice must have a purpose, and that purpose cannot be practice for its own sake. What was the practice for my writing? Every actual project I had done prior. I understand why people do it, but going back to this whole "intense interest" it's hard for me to not go as deep as possible on any given subject. -'Living in the present:' Do I plan for the future? Sure. I... guess I want to save up some money and move to New Zealand. Keep doing these YouTube videos because it's one of the few jobs on Earth that accommodates this symptom. I don't look to the future. The future is constantly changing for me, and it's data is unreliable. If I'm interested in this thing, I do it now. The only thing that stops me from doing it, now that anxiety isn't much of a problem, is time, money, or distance. People wonder how I can start all of these amazing things. The answer? Worrying that I might not ever finish it. '-Friendships:' Friendships have... been hard for me to maintain in the past. When you're intensely interested in something, the people who you interact to are also interested in it. You tend to make friends. But what happens when those interests fade? Well, in the past... I've let the friendships fade. It's not something I'm proud of, and I'm determined to not let that happen again, but I'm always forced to wonder "are these friends here to help me with this project? Or is this project here to help me with my friends?" That is a very scary thing to wonder. -'You seriously question your goals:' When there's something that I want to eventually do, I need to question it from all sides. If there's something I want to buy, am I going to regret the purchase later? For example, a digital camera purchase I would probably regret later because photography is a fleeting interest for me. But money isn't the only thing you spend. Is this goal worth the time that I'm going to spend on it? I have like a thousand Yu-Gi-Oh cards in my house, and endless battle strategies and deck types even though I haven't looked at my deck in months. '''So, what is this for? '''Am I just complaining? No. I'm asking for advice. Despite the amount of time I spend in introspection, talking to my therapist, and even looking on the internet, there isn't really any answer I've gotten. And it's not really a "discipline" thing either. Yeah, I could force myself to finish this thing or that thing, but that doesn't help with the overall problem. What would you do if your life's ambition kept changing? What would you do if you spent years rising through the ranks, going through education, spending lots of money on this one thing, only to find you couldn't spare the effort to drive to your office the next day? There are symptoms I can fight, or deal with, but this isn't it. I've tried studying what might make this change, but it's too random to prepare/avoid anything (sometimes previous interests dry up first, sometimes new interests come along first). I've tried forcing old interests, but that doesn't work. It becomes a slog, and I often feel a noticeable drop in quality. Is there anything that does help? Feedback does seem to work, a little bit, but only for so long. I... don't know what to do about this, and I feel that this may be standing in the way of me actually being happy with life, or at least content.